February 2010
Dear Friends,
Do you ever feel down and out? Discouraged? Afraid? Beat down? Worn out? Done? Do you ever find yourself believing in your mind that God will come through, but so tired that you just cannot find any joy? You have hope, but yet you still feel despair. Maybe a time when you have cried so many tears that you cannot cry anymore or even lost the ability to cry. You know, functioning in a numb state. Existing, but not feeling like you are really living. I know all those feelings; it is not foreign to me.
Shamefully, I taught myself not to cry. I eventually forgot completely. The day could be horrible, the obstacles seemingly impossible, and somehow I just kept plowing with no emotion. I had walked with God for awhile and I knew He was in control, that He loved me and that He would get me to the other side of whatever light and momentary trouble (2 Cor 4:17) I was living through, but I had lost my joy.
All this came into the light for me, two years ago; when my husband said I had to go to Swaziland, a small country in Africa. I argued, “I cannot hear God telling me to go” and “I am not sure.” He said this is when you need to submit to your husband and go. He knew better than I the sweet fellowship with God that awaited me. So I went, looking forward to the flight more than the adventure. The flight is almost 24 hours so I could not wait to sleep for all those hours and I did, almost the entire way.
We arrived and I was refreshed physically. It was cold so I had my toboggan, my scarf, and my gloves. I felt safe. We jumped in a van and drove into this small, remote village. The mommas were cooking corn maize in a huge iron pot, preparing to feed all the kids in the village. The chief of the tribe came walking towards us covered only with animal skin and gave us a warm greeting. Surreal!
We had a worship time the next day or the next and someone shared about having a song in your heart. I thought…what in the world is that?? I don’t sing, I can’t even carry a tune. I sure don’t have a song in my heart. Ephesians 5:19 “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord.” Really?!…this is a command from the Word of God and I was not doing it. I could not get the thought out of my mind.
As I spent time with the Lord in the following days, I realized that He wanted to restore to me the joy of His salvation. Psalm 51:7-12 “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” He wanted to reaffirm His love for me. How wonderful to be reminded of the love the Father had lavished upon me that I might be called His child (1 John 3:1.) Also, I began to become friends with several Africans that lived and walked with God. They were such a hope and encouragement to me. They daily lived by faith and God continually provided (Heb 10:38.) God showed me I was not alone. One night, a friend played praise music on his guitar as we gathered outside a small hut. I was sitting on concrete steps with my head in my hands. I asked God for this man to play songs that had touched me in previous years. Remember I don’t do music so I didn’t know the names of songs, but I requested phrases of the lyrics in a silent prayer to God. One after the other, God allowed this man to play exactly the song I had requested from the Lord. Unbelievable! He reaffirmed His love for little ole me in a small village in Africa. Talk about humbling.
Another day, we were eating dinner and talking about the movie “Faith Like Potatoes.” (A good movie, by the way, that can be rented from RedBox for one dollar.) I mentioned to these two men that I wished I had faith like potatoes. One of them looked at me and said emphatically, you do. How did he know?? He didn’t know me, yet I felt God touch my heart and remind me… you do believe me. That night, a friend prayed for me. I do not remember much of the prayer but I remember her praying that I would believe that I am holy because Christ is holy and He makes me holy by the Holy Spirit living in me.(1 Peter 1:16) I felt so close to God that night, worshipping Him for hours, and singing in my heart to Him. Yes, He had taught me how to have a song in my heart. He had restored the joy of the Lord in my heart.
The next morning, as we drove to the village, I realized I was humming a song. Now that’s not me! I smiled real big. God’s love was engulfing me and reminding me of His great love for me. (Romans 5:5) I told one of my new African friends a few days later, “hey, I have a song in my heart.” He said, “Good, God must have healed your inner hurts and taken away your worry and fear.” Interesting, worry and fear are two of my biggest sins. Humm.
Anyway, on my last day in Africa, God woke me up early, before sunrise. I am not a morning person so this is really unusual. I got dressed quickly and went to hang with the Lord. I could not remember when I had last seen a sunrise and if I was up this early I was not missing it. I grabbed a plastic chair and sat outside waiting for it. I read my Bible, prayed and waited. And then, like a gift just for me, the sun came up and it was just gorgeous. I had this song in my heart I do not even remember, but I sang it aloud to God and just worshipped Him. Nothing gets much sweeter. And then I cried, yea, tears.
I came back to the States and I was the same, but yet different. I was broken before God and restored. I knew He had my life, He was my life, and He is my life. Deuteronomy 30:20 “…love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life…” If you walk with God and know Him and He is your King and Lord, but yet you feel all that junk I felt, He wants to hang with you and uphold you with His mighty right hand(Psalm 118:13-17.) He wants to give you a song in your heart and restore the joy of His salvation. Life has not been easier since my return, probably harder. But I know He is not deserting me. He has a plan for my life and all I need to do is stay straight until His still small voice tells me to turn. (Is 30:19-21, Jer 6:16) He is my refuge and strong tower, my ever present help in trouble, my sustainer, provider, deliverer and closest friend. He wants to be all that for you today. Find the quietness in your world to hear Him.
Then, cry with me. He will make your heart malleable again. He will make the happiest moments bring tears of joy and the darkest hour’s tears of mourning and it will be well with your soul. I used to say, and still catch myself sometimes saying, I don’t cry and I am not sure why. And friends remind me, yes you do…I saw you cry for the family that did not have food to eat, over the man who does not want God, over the hurt feelings of your little girl. I find it so freeing to cry. God is with me. He gave emotions to me. I had pushed them aside thinking I was tougher, that I did not need tears. I had bought the lie that it was weak to be broken, to need help, to ask for prayers. 2 Corinthians 12:10 “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” And so it can be for you through Jesus Christ our Lord.
Living for His glory,
Hebrews 13:16 “And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.”